Money Laundering Ed
by ReGaytard
Summary: The Eds start a quarter cleaning service.
1. Chapter 1

It was a hot Summer day. The sun was at its peak as the cul de sac maintained the peaceful ambiance of dragonflies chirping and sprinklers rotating. Johnny 2x4, sitting on the curb, asks Plank, "What's that Plank? You have a woody?" He reels back and retorts, "Too much information!" It was just like any other day.

Then, a garage door started to open with a suspenseful metal creak, only to disturb the neighborhood with a sudden blare, "Are you tired of dirty money? Afraid that homeless guy's change cup is filled with aids? Step right up! Get you quarters cleaned for only 25 cents a pop!" Eddy was standing on top of a crate advertising his quarter cleaning service in front of a shoddily crafted excuse for a lemonade stand boasting a sign that read, "Kleen Yo Chanj Faggit" in poorly imitated, painted on Comic Sans. On the table of said stand were three jars, each with a label. On the first label, "Tard Tears" on the second, "Ur Mom," and on the third, "I don't fucking know lol." Behind the counter were Edd and Ed. "Ed, what the hell is in the third jar?" Edd asks, concerned. "It's pee, gravy, and dirt." Ed says with a grin only seen before on those dribbling potatoes with the most chromosomes.

"Shut the fuck up, Ed, some poor sap is falling for it!" Eddy snaps. It's Rolf walking his goat, which is dragging its severely prolapsed asshole along the ground. "The son of a shepherd awaits the mud of riches from his goat Victor," Rolf explains, "could the Ed Boys cleanse the riches once they disperse?"

"Sure thing, pal, that'll be 25 cents per quarter." Eddy replies with a sleazy, shit-eating grin. The goat begins to heave as his shit crawls through the prolapse tube like a snake that just ate a fat rodent, except if it were puking it up. The shit plops down, disgusting and smelling as vile as it gets. "Good lord! Are we really going to pick quarters out of goat shit?!" Edd whines while wincing at the sight and stench of the poopie. "Quit your bitching, Sockhead, lets get to work!" Eddy snaps as he scoops up the crap with a shovel and flings it at Ed. "JAWBREAKER!" Ed yells with dopey excitement as he catches it in his mouth. "UGH I THINK IM GONNA BE FUCKING SICK" Edd starts as he reaches over and pukes into a bucket. "This chocolate jawbreaker doesn't taste like chocolate." Ed says as he spits out a whole $19.75 worth of quarters into the third jar.

Edd, after pulling thick rubber gloves onto his germophobic hands, winces and gags as he reaches in and grabs gross quarters from the jar. "Eww eww eww, fuck fuck fuck, gross gross gross!" he yells as he puts them into a bag. "Hey, where the hell did Rolf go?" Eddy asks as he scratches his nuts. Edd sighs and gives him the bag of change. "Don't know, don't care. I need a drink. " "Well in that case, sucks to suck! We're filthy fucking rich now!" Eddy exclaims, "Jawbreakers, come to papa!" The Eds then begin their walk of shame to waste all their hard-earned money on just candy.

"That's what I call a shitty salary!" Ed says with a dopey, shit-eating grin.

THE END


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile in a cage back at the house, two former lab rats witness the dozens of quarters the Eds plundered just sitting in a bucket in the garage. "Wow Brain! Look at all of that! How much do you think we could buy with those?" Brain scratches his chin as he thinks up a brilliant scheme. "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?" he says with a grin. "Use the money we get from the Eds to spend on blackjack and hookers and drown ourselves in cards and pussy?" Pinky replies. Brain blinks and winces, "What? No, not that! What the blasting hell is your problem?" He shakes his head and continues, "Anyway, we take these coins that they procure after cleansing them, use them to buy a whole building full of automatic coin cleaners, and make a business in cleaning quarters to harness the funds in order to rule the world!" The Brain laughs maniacally at this seemingly genius plan. "Gee Brain, don't you think that's a wee bit stupid?" Pinky passively refutes, "I mean, who would accept payment in wheelbarrows full of quarters? It would cost just as much transporting these coins as they are worth as is. We're better off just using it for something fun, y'know take a holi-" and before he could continue, SMACK! Brain slaps him across the face. "Focus you fucking twit!" Brain barks. Pinky snaps back at Brain, "Hey, fuck you Brain you wanker! Narf!" "Narf at me one more time you worthless pile of bird shit!" Brain threatens at Pinky as he rolls up his sleeve. Pinky bears his teeth and socks Brain in the temple. "Narf narf narf narf narf! How do you like that, you bloody twat!" he snarls. Brain lunges at him like a chimpanzee ready to rip a man's face off and they start going at it in a cloud of smoke. Brain latches onto Pinky and starts beating on his head, then Pinky elbows him in the stomach to get him off. Pinky then holds down brain and reels back a punch only to get kicked off of Brain and pounced on as Brain starts to choke him out. Pinky struggles and nearly gives up, only to spot a lead pipe to bash Brain's face in and throw him off. The short mouse hasn't given up yet, he's only gotten angrier. He grabs a baseball bat and starts swinging at Pinky. Pinky guards and swings back with his pipe, missing, and the two clash objects as they duel to settle a score. As Brain winds up a swing and attempts to home-run Pinky's head off, he misses, loses grip of the bat, and flops on the ground. He looks up at his once-thought imbecile companion with fear in his eyes. With the rage of putting up with Brain's constant dismissal of his ideas over his own hair-brained schemes, Pinky repeatedly bashes Brain's skull in until it caves and Brain can't even breathe. As the brainy rodent gasps for air and raises his arm up, the tall one wallops his hand, and brutally bashes his windpipe. With a gasping wheeze, he collapses and lay motionless. Pinky spits on Brain and tosses behind the lead pipe. "Not so smart now are you, ya bloody bastard?" Pinky boasts as he begins pissing on Brain's corpse.


End file.
